Yesterday was a bit frustrating. I've got a job waiting for parts but I missed the delivery a couple of days ago as I was having a dump at the time. So I finally felt that I could leave the house yesterday and go into town to pick it up.
I went to the bank to deposit some cheques that were immediately swallowed up by the insane charges that Lloyds TSB seem to think are acceptable. Didn't we bail out Lloyds when they were in trouble? But the fuckers in charge are still screwing every penny out of their customers that they can. It seems that us plebs have to dig deep in our pockets to shore up banks when times are hard but we don't get to benefit when the money comes rolling in again. All the incompetent cunts that got the country in trouble are happily enjoying their bonuses again whilst the rest of us are living hand-to-mouth.
But I digress. So I'm in town and on my way to the post office when I realize that I've left the delivery note at home. Bollocks. By the time I get home I've had enough and can't face going out again. The job will have to wait another day.
It sounds daft but sometimes (a lot of the time) I just do not want to leave the house. I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is usually reserved for when you are about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people and you've forgotten what to say. I've got it now because I know I've got to pick up that damn parcel.
I don't think I'm agoraphobic because once I'm out and about I feel fine. I also enjoy going for walks in the countryside, it's just the first step of leaving the house that I can't stand.
Blimey, 315 words at the end of the last paragraph. That's more than I've written for ages. My job does not require me to write reports or letters so the last time I had to do any writing was over 20 years ago in my first job. And not since school for 'creative' writing. I got an 'A' for my English language 'O'-level - how the fuck did I manage that?
The aphorism 'Use it or lose it' is spot on. I've noticed this a lot recently - not just for writing but also for maths, electronics and problem solving or for any kind of logical thinking. I just don't need to use these kinds of skills anymore.
I remember that I could look at a maths or programming problem and just know the correct way of solving it. All my thoughts were focussed and the solution would just present itself. I'm not talking about particularly complicated stuff here but these kinds of problems should be bread and butter stuff really. But I find now that I can't concentrate on anything for very long and I get a kind of 'swirly' feeling in my brain when I'm trying to locate the 'loose end' of the problem that I can make a start on. I can see it there it's just that when I make a grab for it it just slips away out of my grasp.
These problems need addressing but my complete lack of motivation makes it very difficult. I so desperately want to do interesting and creative things with my time but I just can't bring myself to do them. Why is that? Why can't I just enjoy myself? The rewards would be huge if I could only get off my fat arse and do something!
Oh well, enough for today. Here are some things I looked at on the interwebs yesterday that you may like:
Richard Herring's Edinburgh Fringe Podcast:
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?:
Europe needs a revolution:
Proof: Sir Philip's IT spending review based on false figures:
And finally, one for the lads (I definitely would):
I got to these sites from my Twitter feed but I can't remember who sent me there. Have a look at who I'm following, you may find someone you like!
Do I feel better for doing this? Time will tell - stick around and see what happens.
Thanks for reading.