Yesterday was a bit frustrating. I've got a job waiting for
parts but I missed the delivery a couple of days ago as I was having a dump at
the time. So I finally felt that I could leave the house yesterday and go into
town to pick it up.
I went to the bank to deposit some cheques that were
immediately swallowed up by the insane charges that Lloyds TSB seem to think
are acceptable. Didn't we bail out Lloyds when they were in trouble? But the
fuckers in charge are still screwing every penny out of their customers that
they can. It seems that us plebs have to dig deep in our pockets to shore up banks
when times are hard but we don't get to benefit when the money comes rolling in
again. All the incompetent cunts that got the country in trouble are happily
enjoying their bonuses again whilst the rest of us are living hand-to-mouth.
But I digress. So I'm in town and on my way to the post
office when I realize that I've left the delivery note at home. Bollocks. By
the time I get home I've had enough and can't face going out again. The job
will have to wait another day.
It sounds daft but sometimes (a lot of the time) I just do
not want to leave the house. I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is
usually reserved for when you are about to go on stage in front of hundreds of
people and you've forgotten what to say. I've got it now because I know I've
got to pick up that damn parcel.
I don't think I'm agoraphobic because once I'm out and about
I feel fine. I also enjoy going for walks in the countryside, it's just the
first step of leaving the house that I can't stand.
Blimey, 315 words at the end of the last paragraph. That's
more than I've written for ages. My job does not require me to write reports or
letters so the last time I had to do any writing was over 20 years ago in my
first job. And not since school for 'creative' writing. I got an 'A' for my
English language 'O'-level - how the fuck did I manage that?
The aphorism 'Use it or lose it' is spot on. I've noticed
this a lot recently - not just for writing but also for maths, electronics and
problem solving or for any kind of logical thinking. I just don't need to use
these kinds of skills anymore.
I remember that I could look at a maths or programming
problem and just know the correct way of solving it. All my thoughts were
focussed and the solution would just present itself. I'm not talking about
particularly complicated stuff here but these kinds of problems should be bread
and butter stuff really. But I find now that I can't concentrate on anything
for very long and I get a kind of 'swirly' feeling in my brain when I'm trying
to locate the 'loose end' of the problem that I can make a start on. I can see
it there it's just that when I make a grab for it it just slips away out of my
grasp.
These problems need addressing but my complete lack of
motivation makes it very difficult. I so desperately want to do interesting and
creative things with my time but I just can't bring myself to do them. Why is
that? Why can't I just enjoy myself? The rewards would be huge if I could only
get off my fat arse and do something!
Oh well, enough for today. Here are some things I looked at
on the interwebs yesterday that you may like:
Richard Herring's Edinburgh Fringe Podcast:
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a
Diamond?:
Europe needs a revolution:
Bollocks:
Proof: Sir Philip's IT spending review based on false
figures:
And finally, one for the lads (I definitely would):
I got to these sites from my Twitter feed but I can't
remember who sent me there. Have a look at who I'm following, you may find
someone you like!
Do I feel better for doing this? Time will tell - stick
around and see what happens.
Thanks for reading.
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